It’s been ten months since my breakup, and there are still moments where I feel extremely emotional. Bouts of sorrow and missing have passed, but it feels as if the sadness has morphed into another feeling: anger. I’d like to think that anger is the last stage of mourning, before fully healing. However, I think that the anger reveals something deeper about myself that I have to face.
I am angry that I gave my heart to someone who chose to recklessly break it into pieces. I am angry that things ended so badly and tumultuously, that all the good that once existed between us has turned into memories of betrayal and pain. I am angry that I didn’t set clearer boundaries, made excuses when things didn’t feel right, and that I allowed myself to get so hurt. I am angry that I chose “wrong”.
I have realized that in my resentment, I’ve projected this anger. And in that realization, I understand that it’s not him that I’m really angry at, it is myself. I blame myself. I question how much of the life I had was real versus a story of the person I thought I was with. And in my reaction to dehumanize the object of my anger, I have forgotten compassion. Compassion for him, and compassion for myself.
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this emotional phase. Being hard on myself has been a habit I’ve adopted since being a young girl, and remembering to be gentle and kind to myself does not come easy. The solutions oriented side of me has exhausted almost every possible activity to try to heal. From reiki, to therapy, I think I’ve tried pretty much everything short of hypnotism and witchcraft.
I usually end my blogs with some positive and hopeful message. But this time, I don’t have one. I’m still trying to figure it out, and sometimes, it feels like an overwhelming mess. I guess all I can do is try to lean in to my emotions when I feel them, and in my reactions of anger and pain, try my hardest to switch my thoughts to ones of compassion. I won’t win every time, and I’ve probably failed at this more than I have succeeded, but hopefully with more practice it will eventually become easier.
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Photo credit: Jack Fussell