How to Date Someone With an Anxious Attachment Style

Have you ever dated someone who freaked out when you didn’t call them back right away? Perhaps you fell asleep, only to wake up to 15 missed calls and an assault of text messages escalating from “Hey what are you up to?”  – to complete hatred “I don’t believe you’re ignoring me you f*cking as*hole!” Or perhaps you’ve dated someone who got upset that you didn’t give her enough attention and so she punished you by ignoring you, or broke up with you as a reaction to her feeling unloved. If this sounds familiar, chances are, you’ve dated someone with an anxious attachment style.

Our attachment system is a mechanism in our brain responsible for tracking and monitoring the safety and availability of our attachment figures. Many attachment theorists believe that by the age of five, we develop a primary attachment style that will more or less define the way we emotionally bond and attach to others in our adult lives. There are three primary attachment styles: secure, avoidant and anxious.

People with an anxious attachment style crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationship, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back. They have an inherent fear of rejection and abandonment. Even a slight hint that something is wrong will activate their attachment system, and once activated they are unable to calm down until they get a clear indication from their partner that the relationship is safe.

If you are dating someone with an anxious attachment style, relationship bliss isn’t necessarily doomed. You just have to understand that their wiring is different from yours, and that they require higher levels of intimacy and closeness than people with secure attachment styles. You can learn what their what triggers are, and how to best respond to make them feel loved and supported. Here are some tips on how to date someone with an anxious attachment style:

Be consistent

Lack of safety is the underlying baseline that subconsciously rules an anxious’s way of perceiving their relationships. Many theorists attribute an anxious attachment style to inconsistent caregiving, where the baby/child never knew if they would have their needs met. Therefore, their attachment system goes haywire as a means of survival. Being hot and cold and mirroring the inconsistency they received as children will be one of their greatest triggers and cause them to react in a destructive way – so be consistent, opt for balance versus extreme peaks and valleys in your attention and energy.

Let them know how you feel – on a regular basis

Anxious types have difficulty believing that you actually like them and without clear signs indicating your interest, they will convince themselves that you don’t. They need reassurance that you care about them, that you’re sticking around and won’t abandon them. Sounds exhausting, but it’s really not that hard. A simple “I’m thinking of you” text or a phone call to check in can go a long way. If you assume they know how you feel, think twice. They don’t. Proactively tell them how you feel instead of holding it in.

Find out their love language

There’s a great book, The Five Love Languages, that explains how we all have a primary love language in how we receive and give love. The categories are broken down to: words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch and acts of service. Find out what your partner’s love language is and make an effort to love them in the language they understand.

When in a fight, reassure that you’re not leaving them

Studies show that people with an anxious attachment style are more sensitive and quicker to perceive offset emotions. They have a unique ability to sense when their relationship is being threatened. They have a tendency to think worst-case scenario because unconsciously, they deeply fear rejection and abandonment. When in a fight, they’re instinctive reaction is to think that the relationship is over.  Their heightened alert system will make them think you’re going to leave them, so they will prepare for rejection and may even try to break up with you first. It’s important that you assure them that just because you’re in a fight, it doesn’t detract from how much you love and care about them and that a disagreement doesn’t mean the end.

Follow through on the little things

If you say you’ll call, do it. If you say you want to go out, make it happen. Follow through on promises – small or large. It’s extremely important to build trust with anxious types, who are used to being let down or disappointed. Since anxious types are more sensitive to cues, they pay more attention to the things you say and will remember the promises you make.

Don’t invalidate their feelings

You’re drawn to the anxious likely for an array of reasons, one being that they are very heart and feeling oriented. They have needs for intimacy, availability and security in a relationship that are necessary for them to feel safe so that they can trust and love with reckless abandon. Know that with the light, comes the dark, and the emotions that you love are also the emotions that become challenging for your logical, busy mind. Do not shame or judge them for feeling and instead show compassion.

While it may sound challenging to date someone with an anxious attachment style, the good news is, through support from their partner and their own self-work, they can move from anxious to secure. Once they realize that they are safe, a healthier narrative becomes reaffirmed through time and experience, and they gradually rewire their baseline.

5 Comments

  • Avatar
    Reply October 17, 2018

    JZ

    Great article. Thanks. Quick qs: At the end of the article you state “through support from their partner and their own self-work, they can move from anxious to secure.” Could you please say more and/or offer suggestions on what that “self-work” could include, look like, and entail?

    Thanks in advance!

    • Avatar
      Reply December 28, 2018

      Maeve Lavoie

      Hey there! For me, it’s a matter of self reassurance. Things like “she still loves me, I’m just over thinking this” and reminding myself of the things the other person has done in the past to let me know they care. It’s also important to know yourself and understand your needs. I personally need to be told “I love you” or some variant thereof on a somewhat regular basis to feel better. I openly express this with my partner and we work on it together.

      Hope this helps!

  • Avatar
    Reply March 16, 2019

    Melissa

    Great article! I have an anxious attachment style and everything you said is spot on.

  • Avatar
    Reply May 23, 2019

    Miranda

    So very spot on. I also have this type of attachment and everything that’s said in the article exactly describes it. Thank you. It helps to show this to my partner so he understands that I am who I am. I also really improved over time by talking/reassuring myself and by understanding that I am not to be ashamed to have emotions.

  • Avatar
    Reply July 30, 2019

    Bob

    I find it very hard to believe that anxious attachment types should be in a romantic relationship at all. Two complete people should be in a relationship and the anxious attachment is based on not being good enough within yourself. Also constantly being fearful or anxious means that love comes from fear which is a condition and at that point I’d hardly call the actions they take as being love based. It seems like you end up being their emotional safety cushion. The helping them grow part possibly makes sense but they need to do that more on their own being that it’s such a deeply routed subconscious belief. And yes this is based on experience. I just got out of a relationship with a girl who was almost exactly this list. I was broken up with twice in a month and she had to travel for work and couldn’t handle it and broke up with me. These attachment styles are surely not meant for healthy relationships.

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