The Conversation That Harms Our Self-Worth

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Over the weekend I went to a party to watch the Oscars. As the different actresses and actors came up on stage, I overheard the commentary from other people watching, which consisted mostly of comments such as:

“Omg. What is she wearing?”

“Eew, she’s way too skinny now.”

“Wow, she gained a lot of weight.”

The actresses were the subject of much scrutiny and criticism, mostly around their physical appearance. The people doing the bashing? Women. All women. The craziest part of it all, is how normalized this negative talk is – and each and every one of us are guilty of it to some degree as well. Whether we are judging another woman’s looks, celebrity or not, or self-loathing over our own physical appearance, we are part of the vicious cycle that disempowers women.

This negative discourse happens not only when watching awards shows, but often creeps into our daily conversations as well. I started to pay attention to the topics that were the center of conversation when getting together with girlfriends. I noticed that there was an overwhelming amount of time discussing two topics: 1) guys 2) looks. Are men doing the same thing? When they get together with other men, are they talking about how skinny they want to be, or how they want to use filler to get rid of their laugh lines? Or are they talking about other things – politics, stocks, investments, business…. I suspect, it’s more of the latter. So while guys are getting together and talking about making money, career moves and business deals, we are spending that time talking about diet fads and Rene Zellweger’s plastic surgery? Does something seemed skewed here?

These conversations that center around beauty and the male gaze do not serve us. Ashley Judd summarizes this powerfully, when she was attacked in the media for having a “puffy face”.

“Patriarchy is not men. Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. The conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted.”

Every time we tear another woman down because of her looks, every time we gather with our girlfriends to watch a television show or red carpet event and slam the attractiveness of the celebrities, every time we gossip that another woman is ugly, old or fat, every time we participate in these seemingly “harmless” behaviours and discourses, we are a part of the vicious cycle that disempowers women. We feed it. We allow it to become normalized. We become our own worst enemy.

I want to challenge you.

The next time you gather with girlfriends, pay attention to the conversation topic and ask yourself if the discussion is one that is rooted in positivity or negativity. If the latter, navigate the conversation into a direction that is empowering and inspiring. The next time you self-loathe and  judge your own looks, force yourself to compliment yourself out loud. We are our own worst critics. In a world where all the advertising messages repeatedly reinforce that we are not good enough, it is crucial that we be more gentle on ourselves.

“Train yourself to see the beauty in everyone. This is a muscle you build. I promise you, once you have strengthened that muscle, not only does the lens in which you see the world become more beautiful, you become more beautiful as well.”

The next time you watch a show or see another woman on the street, instead of pointing out something about her that is physically displeasing, point out something that is beautiful. Train yourself to see the beauty in everyone. This is a muscle you build. I promise you, once you have strengthened that muscle, not only does the lens in which you see the world become more beautiful, you become more beautiful as well.

Photo by Natalia Anja for Raw Beauty Talks: no makeup, no photoshop campaign.


  • Avatar
    Reply February 26, 2015


    “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”

  • Avatar
    Reply March 2, 2015

    Eileen Wong

    I love this. This is so true! Sometimes I hear this negative chatter and I try to steer away from it to something more inspiring and motivating. However, what I notice is that women tend to go back to their self-loathing chattering and dismiss your positivity as beinf foolish and naive. I will challenge myself and hopefully we can all become kinder as humans living in the same world 🙂 thank you Amy for this post!

  • Avatar
    Reply March 5, 2015


    I’m a guy and was talking to a girl friend about something similar last week. She put her finger on something: past a certain point, girls don’t polish their appearance for guys, they do it for the other women. Guys are blind to half of the details that women obsess over, and that they critique in each other so competitively. To the extent that guys do value those things, they’re buying into a hand-me-down culture that serves them poorly as well. Women bear the brunt of this trivialization of humanity, but it robs everyone of something better.

    • Amy C
      Reply March 5, 2015

      Amy C

      Very interesting point Mike.

  • Avatar
    Reply March 9, 2015


    ….and they wonder why when they start talking,guys tune out or they wander off to hang out with the guys.

    GUYS DON’T CARE that Kim K went blonde and looks like a washed up stripper,and there’s no need to discuss it for 25 minutes…got it?

  • Avatar
    Reply November 14, 2016


    I found this article enlightening. Not that I have not longed many times when I am with lady friends to change the conversation, but get caught up myself in the emotional moment of making myself feel better at the expense of my female counterparts. After this, I will strive to do better. “One candle can lighten the darkness.”

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