He Likes Me… Not

He likes me.  He likes me not.

I met a boy. And I liked him very much so.

“He’s special. He’s different.” I told myself.

And what I thought was unfolding as a beautiful beginning, came to a halting stop today as he sent me a message that “something is missing.”

Naturally, my highly analytical brain replays the events of the last time we saw each other. Was it something I said? Did I make a bad joke? Did he not like the doodle I made him? What possibly triggered the energy from a excited 100 to a  “something’s missing” zero within 48 hours?

Beginnings are fragile. And when it doesn’t work out the way you imagined, it can be disappointing and confusing. Rejection is a challenging emotion to deal with. You cannot help but wonder, “what’s wrong with me?” We replay and rewind, dissecting each text message and looking for signs in an attempt to piece together what went wrong. If this were five years ago, I’d likely take it personally, bashing my self-esteem and self-worth in the process. But now that I’m a little older, and hopefully  wiser, I’ve learned this:

There is nothing “wrong” with me – or you. Sure, as humans there will eternally be things that we can improve and evolve. I’m not taking away our accountability to do self-work and sort out our issues. But I think we do ourselves a disservice when we analyze our every move, naively thinking that if we waited longer to text, said something different, or chose a different outfit that it would have changed the outcome. It might delay the outcome – but it doesn’t inevitably change it.

People connect (and don’t connect) because of an energy exchange. Those trivial things only make a difference when there wasn’t enough interest to begin with . Of course, we can say/do something that triggers a negative reaction in the other person. But if that’s the case, it’s likely that such a reaction would have happened sooner or later.

I think all you can really do is approach each person with openness and authenticity, despite the many times you’ve been hurt in the past. If that person doesn’t like you back, or enough, than it’s out of your hands. Know you tried your best, don’t doubt your own awesomeness, and be grateful to have closed that door to allow space for a another door to open.

So as much as I feel sad and confused today, and it’s an uncomfortable state to be in, I feel grateful for being able to feel the emotion. To feel and process both the good and bad feelings is what makes our life story rich. It’s the whole spectrum of human emotions that enables one to feel immense joy. This is how we create the capacity to love fully.

Don’t let people make you think you need to get over stuff quickly, or advise you to “don’t feel sad/mad/hurt/<insert emotion>”. Honour the process of allowing yourself to fully feel your emotions. I believe this is the way we keep our past from jading our future. Do not have shame in that. 

My mother once told me, “If it’s not him it will be someone else. If it’s not now it will be another time. These things are predetermined.” I believe her.

I am a dreamer. I am a storyteller. I believe in magic. I believe that it’s possible to create a love so beautiful it can change the world. I’m not ever going to stop believing that, and I have faith that one day, it will all connect…

To my fellow dreamers, don’t ever lose your hope.