12 Ways to Tell You’re a Douchebag

Ahh, inspired by a summer weekend in Las Vegas. A post dedicated to making this world a less noise-polluted, less bedazzled place, one douchebag at a time.

Disclaimer:

If you are an already established douchebag, sensitive to sarcastic and un-PC language or just plain angry, I recommend you stop reading. If you continue to read, but proceed to get mad anyway, please skip to the BONUS point.

1.
You ride your obnoxiously loud motorcycle up and down the streets of Yaletown. FYI: the higher the decibels of your big bad engine revving do not increase your manliness or package size. You’re a douchebag.

2.
You find it a fine accomplishment that you get completely obliterated 4 times a week and feel the need to constantly brag on every social medium to announce the hardcore partyer that you are. Bravo.

3.
Bedazzled anything. Enough said.

4.
You use your drug dealing income to front a tanning salon for your blond asian girlfriend.

5.
You are a dad over 55 and bring your sons (all under the age of 23) to Vegas, point at the silicone busting naked girls and pant, “GO GET YERSELF ONE OF THOSE BOYZZZ”

6.
While in that same Vegas pool, you scream at my best friend “Show me YER TITS! C’MON – It’s the 4th of July!”

7.
You walk with that mighty chest puffed out with your gangsta pirate swagger while your deep cut beater tank reveals your Celtic / tribal / dragon tattoos

8.
You use the following phrases “Bitchezzz”, “get WASTED” and “let’s DOOO dis!” in one complete sentence.

9.
You’re merely over the teenage acne phase yet shout cat calls out at me while I’m walking with my mom.

10.
You sport any of the following: LV man purse, Gucci Sling Bag, Christian Audigier, Ed Hardy, True Religion Jeans or belts with a HUGE IceBerg buckle. And, if you sport all of them simultaneously, you win first prize!

11.
You hock your spit on the sidewalk, allow doors to slam on the person walking behind you and yell at service staff – that makes you a Douchebag plus asshole in one.

12.
Uber gay lip pout and gang sign hand signal in all of your pics (oh you know the “Wessssiiddde” symbol I’m talking about) – that’s in the manual right?

BONUS: Closet douchebag alert – You take out your insecurity based frustrations by reading my articles and sending me insulting, grammatically incorrect messages signed anonymous. My advice is you start at number one on the list again, and REPEAT.

Photo credit: Mike Monteiro