There are many myths and stereotypes when it comes to dating asian guys. Some are completely outlandish and some are, well, a little more spot on. Multiple articles and studies discuss how cultural stereotypes of Asian men may make them less attractive to women of all races, including Asians.
In the book Freakonomics, one study showed that single Asians (male) had to make $247,000 more annually to receive the same response rate as White men on online dating sites. Ouch. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 40% of Asian females will marry a non-Asian male, whereas 20% of Asian males will marry a non-Asian female. This frustration is not being taken lightly. In fact, there’s even a website which acts as a forum for asian men reclaiming their “asianalitiy” – and they are pissed that their potential asian wives are shacking up with non-asians. On another website, one Asian male expresses: “It’s definitely harder for an Asian male to date a white female than for Asian females to date white males. Asian males are not portrayed as masculine, whereas Asian females are stereotyped as submissive, exotic.” What gives?!
The good news for Asian males is that as online dating is becoming less and less taboo, there are a lot more asian dating sites ready to help make meeting potential matches easier. White, black, yellow – really, one’s ethnicity shouldn’t make a difference as we are all part of the human race. No argument there. However, keep in mind that there are certain cultural differences that come to play that shape a person’s mentality, values, ideas of what a relationship dynamic should look like, and subsequently, their behaviour. And because of this, sometimes, there is some truth to the cultural differences of people raised with diverse upbringings. So I’m here today to dispel (or confirm) some of those myths, but only according to my own experience. Before you make any accusations of me making sweeping generalizations, note that my points here are completely biased according to my own sample size. Here goes…
Myth 1: Asian guys fight for the bill. True. When the dinner cheque arrives at the table, the Asian guy will swoop in like a properly trained ninja and attack the dinner cheque before you can even do that “reach” for your wallet. This swift technique is an ancient move passed on by his ancestors – a learned behavior through many many years watching his parents challenge their opponents to who gets to the cheque first. White guys are much more laid back and are happy to carry on the conversation for another 30 minutes while the check is laying on the table; some are even willing to go dutch to further showcase their support towards gender equality.
Myth 2: Asian guys are lightweights. True. Look, it’s an enzyme thing ok? When it comes to alcohol consumption, according to research, the ‘Asian Flush’ occurs due to a deficiency in an enzyme called aldehyde dehydrogenase, which is part of a vital process that digests alcohol. Headache, red flushing, even itchiness will occur after a few sips of alcohol. But, enzyme or no enzyme, don’t think this will deter an asian guy from schooling you in a drinking game though. Challenge him to a game of Pai Gow or Big 2 and he’ll drink you under the table.
Myth 3: Asian guys live with their parents. Depends. Ok, well until they’re married at least. Many asians brought up in a traditional upbringing (both men and women) choose to live at home with their parents until they get married. Asian culture emphasizes family and collectivity, so it is quite the norm to take care of your parents while living under the same roof. Also, living with a romantic partner pre-marriage is generally looked down upon, which is another reason why many asians wait until marriage to move out.
Myth 4: Asian guys have better manners. False. There are many behaviours that are emphasized in a traditional asian culture. With a big emphasis on “taking care” of those around you. For example, at the dinner table, it is a blasphemy to serve yourself food first and immediately start eating. You serve the person you are dining with first, and always offer the last bite. But while an Asian guy’s table manners may be impeccable, other “gentlemanly” behaviours like opening the car door, helping a lady put on her jacket, etc, are not lessons that parents typically focused on teaching. Thus, in my opinion it’s an even ball game.
Myth 5: Asian guys aren’t masculine. False. Unfortunately, we are influenced by what we see in the media whether we are conscious of it or not. Most depictions of Asian males in the popular media are not the same as their Caucasian counterparts. The odd Jackie Chan movie as the exception, you hardly see the Asian guy as hunky, masculine star of the show. Whereas in the 19th century, Asian men were portrayed at the other extreme in the 19th century: sexually dangerous and desirable. The stereotype that Asian men aren’t masculine exists in a large part because of how they are portrayed in the media, not necessarily because that’s actually reflective of reality.
Myth 6: Asian guys aren’t good at expressing emotions. Depends. In Asian culture, males are not encouraged to be expressive with their emotions. Crying is seen as weakness. For example, when a boy gets hurt and starts crying, it’s not rare to see the parents scold the child for crying. Because this is engrained at such an early age, this may cause some Asian men to continue withholding emotion as they grow up. It’s rare to hear traditional Asian parents say “I love you” to their children. It’s not rare for Asian kids to grow up on the receiving end of dictator-esque verbal instructions and scoldings. Parents educate and try to push their children to work harder and achieve more by using negative language versus complimentary language. A study conducted by China Daily interviewed a cross-section of people to see if they said “I love you” to their parents. Many people interviewed had never said those three words, and one 56-year old commenting “Saying it aloud is embarrassing for me.” Of course, even in an upbringing where being emotionally expressive is not encouraged, one can still learn how to communicate feelings despite the odds. So in the case of this stereotype, it really depends on the person.
Myth 7: Asian guys aren’t romantic. False. Sure, an Asian guy will think bubble tea is a perfectly acceptable venue for a first date. Nothing wrong with that! Asian guys will almost always say “Yes” to dessert as a date spot. Think crepes with fruit compote or shaved ice cream, their way of romanticizing the occasion involves making the girl happy first before letting themselves pick a place that might suit their own taste. If you see an Asian male holding on to his beau’s shopping bags or Louis Vuitton purse, that doesn’t means he’s “whipped”, he’s just being helpful. It may sound cliché and completely unmasculine, but in Asian culture, the men are raised to always offer comfort for the female, making sure that they are provided and cared for. That’s their idea of romance. Swoon.
Myth 8: Asian guys seek their parent’s approval. True. Beware the tiger mom. When it comes to marriage prospects, Asian guys take into consideration the advice of his parents. It’s more common for a Caucasian male to independently pursue his desires without asking for anyone else’s approval. When one gets paired with an Asian man, however, you don’t just marry the man himself but you marry his family as well.
Myth 9: Asian guys never make the first move. False. Although Asian guys might take awhile to confess their undying love, but that’s only because they like to take it slow. And when they do, they want to be sure that she’s the one. Asian guys are taught by their traditional parents that in order for them to meet the right person, you must already be a successful individual with a lot to offer. You date to marry. Caucasian guys are told they are going to meet a lot of people first before finding the right one. See the difference?
Myth 10: Asian guys don’t like public display of affection. True. Traditional Asian parents show love through immense generosity, helping out financially, and feeding you 24/7. Hugs, cuddles and kisses however, not so much. In a culture where preserving “face” and appearances is of utmost importance, there is a major emphasis on always keeping your cool, being proper and composed. They might steal a kiss or two when no one’s looking, but in retrospect the Asian male would much rather prefer it behind closed doors. Whether it’s their demeanor towards the public eye, or how they choose privacy over strong lustful urges, it’s easy to assume Asian males are more conservative when it comes to showcasing their emotions. Theories explain that this dates back to the nature of Confucian teaching – where displaying one’s emotions publicly is not encouraged.
Myth 11: Asian guys have small “packages”. False! And there’s been research in Nature that you can check out on your own.
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Love Comes When It’s Least Expected: Henny Rebodos
I am black women, been dating all races and from my experience white > asian > black in terms of point 11.
Nice! I’ve seen big packages on handsome Asian men! Yum! Asian woman myself who is proud to love Asian American men!
IAA GEN X HOTTIE, I am glad you have brought up the topic of edge cases.
I am an Asian girl and I used to think that Asian guys were boring until I (kinda) have a crush with a Chinese man I was having some relationship with some white guys back then but recently I’ve been close with some Asian guys and I found out that Asian guys that I’ve dated were treating me so well and they know how to make me feel comfortable. Maybe this is the thing that makes me prefer Asian guys now, I don’t mean to be racist but this is what happened to me and all of these are based on my experiences lol
*All men are attractive tho, this is just my opinion! 🙂
I get the idea of this topic being important. But the thing I’ve been noticing these days is that while American Asian men are still having trouble finding love locally (thank you Hollywood for things like Michael Bay and Deep Wang) overseas Asian men are no longer stigmatized. Actually AMWF (the shorthand for asian men with a non-asian woman) is on the rise all over the world except for America.
Unlike Asian women the sudden fondness for Asian men happened in a burst. Asian women thanks to how hollywood and western media portrays them are turned into China dolls these submissive petite women who will obediently do whatever their white men want of them. Then one of them unfortunately dates a Chinese woman hoping for this package and end up broke and crying out that they were had. But Asian men hit the mainstream thanks to Asia’s modern dominant position in economy and politics. Not to mention that even though Hollywood doesn’t allow Asian men to have normal roles Europe doesn’t have such limitations. So the media they get that we don’t see depicts Asian men as powerful but kind, brilliant but humble and these traits are very attractive for women and especially western women who’ve had to deal with the fragile egos and borderline abusive nature of their men. Besides just having attractive traits some countries have more women than men which is the opposite problem of China who the media has long established have way more men than women. (because they murdered all the girl babies or something) But because the idea is there are more men in China women from countries like Russia, the Ukraine, Syria and from several populations of the Jewish community have horded to the country to grab a husband.
Anyway I think I’m trying to say that if an Asian man in America is having trouble finding a girl just have a little more patience and maybe go visit Europe for a confidence boost if not a Euro-love. America is probably the only place on Earth where white men are still going to have much better luck getting a date than an Asian but that’s not going to last no matter how poorly Hollywood depicts Asian men.
As for these myths:
Myth 1: Asian guys fight for the bill.
This one’s starting to come around. Traditionally raised Asian men especially Chinese ones are taught that they need to be accommodating so paying for the bill is proper etiquette. But modern Chinese have adopted the “AA style” so unless she’s his wife he may not fight for the bill. The idea these days is that women have their own careers so now showing proper etiquette is about respecting that a woman can pay her own way and doesn’t need the guy to step in and take care of her.
Myth 2: Asian guys are lightweights.
This answer confused me. You talked about the “asian flush” but then said they’d still drink people under the table. The flush doesn’t mean they’re lightweights first of all. It just means they’ll flush red with a little alcohol in them. But the fact that they’ll still drink people under the table shows they are definitely not lightweights.
In fact I am less than 200lbs and I’ve drank a 400lb Irishman under the table. He was passed out on a couch after I lost track of how many drinks we’d downed. I started mingling with other people and still drinking and when I found him he was sound asleep. It wouldn’t be for another couple hours before he came to and I was still drinking the whole time not to mention I’d actually started earlier since I was helping set up the party. And the guy does hold his liquor well. It’s just we were doing mugs of hard liquor not beer because I convinced him since I don’t like beer.
Myth 3: Asian guys live with their parents.
This has nothing to do with the family unit. Maybe back in dynastic times but these days its about cost. Asians are smart and smart means not spending frivolously so until they are married many choose not to burden themselves with the added expense of a mortgage or rent. This ties into the establishing themselves as successful men before dating. But in America the Asians I know don’t like living at home. Their parents say it’s because they’re “Americanized” haha
Myth 4: Asian guys have better manners.
I’d say depends on what you call manners. Helping a girl get her jacket back on can be seen as manners. I was taught to do that by my mother. But for others it can seem chauvanistic. But in general Asian men are more well behaved than their white and black counterparts. I’d say in terms of behavior Asians and Hispanics are the best behaved and they really look out for their women.
Myth 6: Asian guys aren’t good at expressing emotions.
I’d say guys in general are not good at expressing emotions. I mean the whole crying is a sign of weakness isn’t just an Asian thing. Big boys don’t cry is a phrase used by western mothers on their sons. Men in general just are trained from the start to lock it up and get the job done. It’s only in modern times that boys are told they are allowed to show their feelings and that applies universally.
Myth 8: Asian guys seek their parent’s approval.
And they assume they are marrying the girl’s as well. Thing is Asians date to marry but marriage is establishing a family. It is all well and good that westerners think they can just marry for themselves but at the end of the day your family is still there and you grew up with your family so even if you don’t visit them or you estrange yourself from them it doesn’t mean you are free from them. That’s why Asians don’t think like that. They always take into account the families that will be uniting after marriage.
Myth 10: Asian guys don’t like public display of affection.
I got a good laugh at this one. It is very nostalgic and I can just see my mother’s disapproval whenever she sees western couples making out in public. The idea is that these moments of intimacy are meant to be private between the couple so why are they exhibiting for the world to see? That’s the mentality behind it.
But again this is a matter of traditional views versus modern views and modern Asian kiss out of doors all the time. You may not see them having at it in a public bathroom or in the woods anytime soon but small displays are already the norm.
Myth 11: Asian guys have small “packages”.
I do agree with some of the people commenting here that not answering this question may perpetuate the false stereotype. But I think there’s enough AMWF these days that white women have already filled in the blank. As one account put it “if there’s a small asian out there I haven’t seen it. All the ones I’ve had are average to big.” Sadly there’s even scientific research on this now and it was discovered that just like this woman said Asians are either average or above average. But the study also notes that what women want isn’t length at all. Girth is much more important and in terms of girth Asians top the charts with the largest being Chinese. But I mean look at population. There’s a reason why there’s so many more Asian babies than any other population in the world.
Your response is really helpful. Personally I love Asian culture and I really kind of like that so many Asian men keeps some of the traditions from their parents and are gentlemen. I have a question though… Do Asian men like white women at all? I’m white myself and I always worry about it because I’d love to at least try dating an Asian guy, they seem so nice.
I forgot one thing. Public displays of affection. I found Mainland China to be as into public kissing between couples as the Latin countries have been all along. I remember when living there my friends and I would joke about how the parks were literally full of kissing couples lying around in each other’s arms, so that unless you’d gone there for a free romance movie, if you yourself are shy or conservative (or just respect people’s privacy), you don’t know where to look to avoid seeing them. Another funny one was train stations, where couples would show off saying goodbye to each other will all the kissing, smooging and demonstrating. Anglo Saxon (northern type) Western cultures are much more conservative this way. As I’d said, it looks exactly like what we can find in Latin countries such as one where I’ve also been living. I’d imagine it began since Chinese young people imagined they were copying their stereotype of the West from watching American movies, but as often is the case, they took it very much to extremes. Ironically, Latin cultures are actually influenced by eastern culture.
I claim myth 11 to be false as the viet-chinese Im dating is the only one whose ever been able to truly satisfy me. And I’m a stereotypical big white American. Try Asians. You’d be surprised~
Asian males are mostly prohibited from playing leading roles in any TV or movie role in the western media. Western media mostly feature Asian ladies and western men as pairs if you look at most of the media outlets like Fox, CNBC, CNN, etc. The western media play up the Asian female while suppressing Asian males. As a result, Asian females go for white males. Nowadays, Hollywood movies are beginning to experiencing difficulties in penetrating the Chinese market, which is now emerged to be the biggest media market. You see that Hollywood scramble to include Asian actresses, such as Mulan, but they are still reluctant to include Asian actors.
On the other hand, I see that the Chinese media are doing the reverse. They do not allow western men to play key roles in their TV programs and movies but would enable western women. As a result, lots of local Chinese men are beginning to marry Russian, Ukraine, Afracians females. It is starting to be more balanced in terms of interracial marriages. In the US, a typical topic is do Asian girls prefer Asian guys or white guys? In China, the question is now becoming would a Chinese man prefers a Chinese girl or a foreign girl. Since Caucasians can no longer control the media around the world as the Chinese economy progresses, Caucasians can only control local media so the world is more balanced.
I see countless of these discussions, but the source of the issue mostly boils down on who is controlling the media.
On average a lot of white guys have average to below average penis.
Why do Asian guys only want to date Asian girls though? They can be rude to people who are not Asian because she isn’t Asian.
I love my Korean man with all my heart AND our son….the hardest thing is the fact he never told his parents about me so our son was a massive surprise yet when my man and I are together we have a major issue of not being able to keep our hands to ourselves. After being abused by my ex-husband for so many years having him touch me even with just a look lights my soul (and body). At this time his parents still haven’t met their grandson but I ain’t taking any discrimination from them about me or my son as he’s the best of BOTH worlds….the light of quite a few people’s lives and I treasure that my man places his family above everything it’s one of the many things I live about him….